10/5/14

Now here I am again with another what you say blog of my day of Sunday?

Here goes, when I arrived at the church today, i noticed Rudy and his Wife wasn’t there yet. Usually i don’t like entering places when i still feel new to them, just the way i am i don’t like not knowing anybody.
Well im sitting in my car and the the pastor came up to my car window just to let me know which door was open so i thanked him and again i was just going to sit and wait. I decided il just go in, i mean what the heck its not going to kill me.. So the pastor was vacuuming i asked if i can help with anything he said no, so i sat down waited for Rudy and his wife to arrive for his class to start.
While sitting and waiting the pastor gives me the pamplet of what is on todays agenda, then i noticed questions, so i decided that is going to be my topic today, then il end it with the exerts? of what happened at the end of my day.

First question that was asked.
In what ways are you struggling with God?
Well unfortunately im still struggling on believing in faith still, i don’t not believe something is there. However sometimes i feel i may disrespect people on what i believe, yes i may believe in a higher being, but on certain subjects, im going to have to just bite my tongue and just pretend.. I don’t pretend that there is no God, that’s not at all im saying, so let me just throw that out there and for you not to get but hurt, k thanks 😉
Im struggling with the dude and my faith, so that’s why im here, that’s why i started doing these blogs, and going to answer questions if i see them fit, or just babble on what i may have picked up in today’s lesson.

Second question that was asked.
What areas have you felt like given up?
Well i felt like giving up on life, sometimes i feel like i cant handle my own struggles with it, but doesn’t mean im going to off myself or someone else. Its just my feeling that i haven’t accomplished anything and maybe i feel the weight of the world has been put on my shoulders? I haven’t given up on life since i am still here to type this and write my chicken scratched into typing.So earlier i tried answering this question and it was the same setup then i found myself with another question not in the playbook.
Why not? Why dont i feel like i accomplished anything, why am i asking myself questions in a question? Is this even normal? Maybe it is but again im still new at this.
I know deep down i havent given up on life, due to the simple fact, i know I have a purpose and until i find it, i will have my challenges along the way
“You’re in quest for more, to find the core, you’re journeys never over, You’re quest is your purpose go on” (Avantasia song quote) Makes sense to me i suppose.
So i need to *Change* my way of thinking, just to change my way of life, because i don’t want to keep living the way i am right now.
So for now i will have to work on this, don’t judge me.

So the third question that was on the page.
What do i need to admit about myself?
Well this is how i take this question so just go with it.
Maybe i need to just admit that i can be wrong, but i could also be right. I need to stop always thinking the negative, BUT heres the flaw to sometimes the way i think, i may over think things, but its my gut and honestly i haven’t been wrong yet.
I admit i have a issue on trusting people, i admit i trust people so much where i let them walk over me, but i don’t wanna say i expected anything in return, but being used sucks.
I talk down on myself, i really need to stop doing that, but ive done it for so long i just started believing that’s what i am. I have an anger issue that flares up constantly and yet i wanna control it, 7 out of 10 chance im going to be in a angry mood for the rest of the day. usually over something very stupid.
I have a bad habbit on impulse buying, usally when im depressed i wanna buy things. How am i supposed to grow up and move out if i keep doing this? WTF is wrong with me? that’s another issue.Im sure this question just like every other question wanted a different point in the matter but this is how i deal and accept it for now. deal with it yourself thanks.

Final question of the day was,
Will i let Christ give me a new identity?
Well not to hurt anyone’s feelings with this question but this is still in a limbo state, im working on the changes of my life. One day at a time, so let me find what i find my faith in and i will answer your question again maybe sometime down the road, but i wont have a complete answer. Just know im still here thanks.

So my Exerts on random writing comes to play even more since i was given a note pad to write my so called notes.
Wont let go of myself as im still breathing I wont give up, i will try not to cause danger to myself or anyone, not that i have anytime soon
So they said the word Discipline yet when we hear it, it sounds bad. I shouldn’t think of it as talking down to me or getting in trouble, but its like something that gets me through the day, like a plan thats like a map out for my day.
We have what we need always, but its the material thinks we want and yet say we need, Just for the record i wanted and need food on a daily basis.

I shouldn’t think i have two choices in life, with the Ups and Downs that i go through, the middle is where i need to stay and be strong about, be level headed on whats going on around me
Also how many times do i have to give up on opportunities, when it can change my life for the better? i will turn things down, because i feel safe in the position im in, yet struggle with not liking the position im in. double negative.. go figure.
Also Just because you or I was promised something, doesn’t mean your not going to get it, just like a act of that word prayer, just because its not answered the moment you ask, doesn’t mean its not going to be answered, doesn’t have to be now, doesn’t have to be this life time. Just know it will happened one day.
Unless that company goes into default then you are screwed just saying…..

Just have to keep fighting, even on my last breath i know i cant give up, and wont. No matter how many times i wanted to, i have over come the odds.. So go with it.
Just because someone is pushing me down and doesn’t mean im not out of this game we call life.
See thats just it Life is a Game and its how we play it, We have to know what it takes to win by losing.
Just because you lost in a game of chess, or that Xbox game doesn’t mean you failed, just try harder.
I cant speak for those who lost a limb, but i know some people dont feel like they lost in life, they found another way to battle and win this game of life.
Its one of those sayings just because i speak what i want, I have to Live by what i say, to make others believe im on the right path of whatever stone i walk on.

So after i wrote all this, i had a discussion with those close to me.
I asked my own set of questions, and the answers i got, kinda made me rethink on what i was saying earlier.
Hard to believe that, even though it may not look like it, but im very observant. Sometimes when i ask questions, as i felt today i was in the wrong since i don’t know these people.
I asked the simple question why cant you do things this way, why are there so little of people in this place?
It comes down to CHANGE. nobody is ready for it we are all hell bent on our ways and it sucks, I say that because i don’t know what has gotten into me, i see so many changes that id like to take place just so id like to keep coming here. but when i find others don’t want that. it just one of those Life hurtles.
I guess i shouldnt give up on the subject. i know i don’t have any right to tell them how to run things.. i understand that, but if i don’t ask, or do, i feel in my heart there is no way for this place to just keep going as it is.
I understand there isnt a lot of people there that can help with things, Old generation and new, i grew up with technology, Yet im ok with a book, but this is the new age where we need to let that go once in awhile..
To catch a audience you need to keep things fresh, just because you have done the same thing for 100s of years, doesn’t mean its going to work today.  Plain and simple

So what can i do for this church? well its hard as i don’t have a lot of people in my life that will even give a church a thought, yet i am? was? the same way… but i never disbelieved anything, but don’t quote me on that as i know ive said it..

I want to see this place keep going, the people in here seem very friendly, im just one person with a view and a opinion, which is it valid?

Thanks for another thought session, that’s what i will call these things..

CJ

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